Retrospect
by New and Old
Summary: [Character-death] A re-write of what happened in the Manga/Anime. Haku's past, his relationship with Zabuza, his death.
1. Chapter 1: Trauma

_*Disclaimer: Naruto and all its characters do NOT belong to me._

**Chapter** **1**: **Trauma**

(Posted 2014-07-21, Updated 2014-08-19)

_"Zabuza-san..."_

_My hero, my precious person is gazing down at me._

_"Great job, Haku..."_

_I hear his voice from behind me._

_I am glad. I was not too late._

_My eyes start fading, but I try to keep listening for his voice. Did I correctly hear that hint of regret? Sadness? Pain? Grief? Perhaps I misheard._

_But... I am still honored. He had chosen me out of many._

_Forgive me Zabuza-san... I wasn't a good enough weapon..._

_Forgive me for not being good enough to stay with you and keep away the grief you hold in your heart._

_My eyes dim. I can see only see the Copy-nin Kakashi's bright hair._

_I faintly hear Naruto in the background._

_Naruto... He will become strong._

_...Will he see through Zabuza-san's mask of indifference and cruelty?_

_I hope... that he would. I hope he would remember that Zabuza-san is my precious person._

_We would have been great friends if we had known each other before..._

_Perhaps it is fate that all people who one comes to respect are found on the opposing side._

_Fate, why must it be so?_

_May the fates be kinder to Zabuza-san, unlike how it has been for me._

* * *

I was watching the snow fall from the sky from the window. I had been playing outside with my friends in the snow. It was cold, but I was feeling warm inside.

Happy life.

Kaa-san is the kindest, nicest mother in the world.  
Tou-san is gentle and kind to everyone as well.

I want to be as nice as my parents! I greet everyone with a bright smile.

Today I sat, watching the snowflakes land on the windows, snow piling up outside.  
There is a strange tingling from my stomach, like butterflies. Like snow flur-ry-ing from the sky, only inside my stomach.

Is this... something called a sto-mak-ake that my friends from down the street always has?

Maybe a sto-mak-ake starts by feeling very nice?  
Kaa-san will know the answer!

Kaa-san had looked slightly strange when I told her that watching the snow makes gentle snow storms in my stomach.

"Kaa-san, what's wrong? You are making me make a hachi on my forehead!**(1)**"

I don't know what that means, but she always says that when I worry, I make a hachi on my forehead. I have to be careful, or it will stay on per-ma-nent-ly. Then people will call me hachi-boy instead of Haku!

At that she smiled at me and said she was fine. But she still had a strange look in her eyes. I still worried and gave Kaa-san a hug, because hugs makes all things better, right?

Tou-san says that I am a big boy, and big boys protect their mothers, not worry them.

When I said that, she laughed at me, calling me her little worrier Haku. She then started to tickle me!

...I love my Kaa-san very, very much.

{(H)}

I was playing with the water from the pump outside, when the tingly feeling came again in my stomach, making me giggle.

I splash the water around with my hands, creating a whirlpool.

Hmm?

Was the water this cold before..?

The pail has become slightly colder than before.

Oh!

Wow.

The water is moving the way I want it to!

So why did it become cold?

Maybe I can make ice? Ice is cold water...oh!

... Can I make a snowflake?

Snowflakes always melt before I can see what they look like for sure...

Oh!

I have to show this to Kaa-san!

(H)

Kaa-san was angry.

She hit me.

...Am I not supposed to play with ice?

Does Kaa-san hate me now?

Kaa-san is apologizing for hitting me.

She told me never show it to other people.

It is supposed to be a secret.

She is crying.

She has never hit me before.

Maybe it was a mistake...?

I should go ask Tou-san...

{(H)}

I can't find Tou-san.

He should be inside the house...

Tou-san?

He is with other people at the gate.

Who are they?

They didn't see me hiding in the bushes. For some reason, I don't think I should run to Tou-san like I usually do...

I followed them inside.

Tou-san was in front of Kaa-san, holding a knife.

Tou-san is crying.

Tou-san never cries.

Kaa-san looks frightened.

Tou...san? Wh-! Kaa-san!

Kaa...san?

We are playing pretend, right...?

Tou-san, you only pretended to put the knife in Kaa-san... right?

...Right...?

...What?

Why are you saying sorry to me?

Kaa-san, stop pretending and wake up. Stop Tou-san and his mean joke...

Kaa-san...? Tou-san...?

No.

Don't come closer.

No.

NO.

NO!

STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME!

...

...Tou...san?

What...?

I didn't do this... did I?

The snow and ice is my friend... they wouldn't do this... right?

Right...?

There was someone screaming nearby.

Our farm is the farthest away from the village. Who is it?

Oh.

It was my voice.

* * *

Footnotes

**(1) **Hachi on the forehead - Hachi means "eight". So, Haku is saying that the mother is making him frown, using the wrinkling of the eyebrows and forehead to make the character "eight".

* * *

*2014-08-19 Edit: Merged the two chapters, Chapter 1: Prologue and Chapter 2: Trauma together.

*2014-08-29 Edit: Made a footnote.

* * *

**A/N** - I've always thought Haku's story was tragic... writing this part even more so, because he's just a child. This is a challenge to myself to see if I can write sad stuff.

Please **Read 'n Review**.

(Reviews motivate me to write more quickly~)


	2. Chapter 2: The Streets

**Previously:**

_NO!_

_STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME!_

_..._

_...Tou...san?_

_What...?_

_I didn't do this... did I?_

_The snow and ice is my friend... they wouldn't do this... right?_

_Right...?_

_There was someone screaming nearby._

_Our farm is the farthest away from the village. Who is it?_

_Oh._

_It was my voice._

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Streets**

(Posted 2014-08-29, Updated - -)

I left.

Later, I found the house burnt down.

I didn't have anything except the clothes on my back.

I spent almost a year with the other street urchins, learning how to search for food, where to sleep so to keep warm, and how to beg.

I didn't tell anyone about my ice and snow, wishing to blend in with the others...

But some villagers recognized my face.

They saw what had happened at my house.

For a while no one did anything except not meet my eyes, pretend I was not there.

Even the street urchins wouldn't come near me, saying they don't want kekkai-genkai bastards or Yuki-filth**(1)** anywhere near them. ...They would beat me if I went into their territory.

But this existence... Soon, someone... turned me over to the authorities.

{(H)}

I faced execution.

What did I do...?

Most passed by the place I was held without a glace towards me.

Yuki... filth?

...Yuki is clean...It only becomes dirty when someone tramples on it...Yuki is supposed to cleanse, to cover up the dirtiness of the world for a little while, showing that there is goodness in everyone...So... Why... why do they look at me like that?What did I ever do to them?

Then a pair of boots stopped in front of me.

"Hehe... what an unfortunate child."

I know.

But... I don't understand why I am considered to be different from any other child.

"A brat like you is not wanted by anyone... you will die with neither freedom nor dreams."

I looked up at that. He was telling the truth.

A really tall man stood in front of me, gazing down at me with a calculating look on his had bandages covering his mouth, a giant sword strapped to his back, and dark black eyes that had a look I recognized from my own in my reflection.

_lonelinessgriefangerpainsuffering... whatdidIeverdotothem?_

In my half-frozen, half-awake state, I said something that probably sounded strange, to anyone else.

"Your eyes are like mine."

The man had been eyeing me up and down, but he stopped when he heard me. Was that recognition in his eyes?

"...of the Yuki clan?"

Yuki? I don't know about clan, but... they always called me yuki-filth...

"... My name is Haku."

"Hn." For the longest while he said nothing. I looked back down, gazing at his scuffed-up boots, expecting him to leave. What he said next took me by surprise. "Come. I will make you into a tool I can use."

I blinked up at him.

"... A tool?"

"A shinobi."

"You will make me your tool?"

"Unless you wish to continue with the execution."

"I never said I disliked your suggestion, shinobi-san."

"Momorochi Zabuza."

"Zabuza-san."

"Hn." He started walking away.

I hurriedly got up and followed, though I was unsteady on my feet.

He was ahead, walking slowly enough for me to catch up.

I do not care who he is. I will become the best shinobi there is.

I will become a tool worth his while.

For he has accepted my bad blood fully.

For he has taken me in when no one else has.

...For he has eyes like mine.

{(H)}

I spent the next several years as Zabuza-san's apprentice. It was back-breakingly hard work, but I overcame my physical limits as I forced myself on to do better.

Zabuza-san was strict and often spoke harshly.

He often cursed and swore at me, declaring my efforts did not merit as attempts, or that I was too soft.

When I made mistakes, he punished with brutal and pitiless training - oh, how I hated them...

But I had watched other jonin's and hunter-nin's apprentices, and more often than not, punishments involved thorough beatings-labeled-spars that left the apprentices barely standing, black and blue with bruises and cracked bones and semi-severe injuries that are disregarded in the next day's training.

Their misdeeds often depended on the mood of the master as well.

However... even after I made deplorable mistakes, Zabuza-san never used his hand against me unreasonably in spars.

I did my best to be perfect in everything, and when my efforts bore fruit, I was rewarded with a thin, but warm, smile full of pride.

Zabuza-san was kind.

He never said I was worthless. He never said anything that inferred that he was considering casting me away.

He was a man I would willingly sacrifice myself for.

A precious person.

{(H)}

Once, just once, he came home drunk. I had just returned from a successful assassination mission from the hunter-nin department, which I had been sent on to practice using my kekkai-genkai and senbon together.

I had been unpacking and cleaning my mission gear, when he walked slowly in through the door.

A heavy smell of alcohol drifted to the table where I was sitting.

"Haku, bring out the sake from Ta no Kuni**(2)**."

"...Zabuza-san, I think you've already -"

"Just get it."

He sounded weary. Old. As if he wanted to drown his sorrows with alcohol.

"...Very well."

It wasn't if he could just walk into a bar and get drunk. There were many shinobi that constantly sought to claim Kubikiribocho from him, and most of them had no qualms about taking it away when he was at a disadvantage of being drunk.

Better he drank here, where I could watch over him, instead of someplace where he may be in danger.

I placed the bottle in front of him, along with a sake cup. I poured the sake out for him.

He held it up and gazed into the drink.

For the longest while, he sat there, staring at the cup of alcohol.

Then with no apparent cue, he pushed aside his bandages and gulped it down.

I silently offered to pour again.

He sat staring at the empty cup a while, contemplating something unpleasant. However, before I could place the bottle back on the table again, he reached his cup over for a refill.

Then he sat staring at the cup again, before downing it in one shot, again.

This repeated a while, both of us silent; one silent with bitter reflection, one silent to not interrupt the said reflection.

"Haku."

"Yes, Zabuza-san."

There was some more silence, and he stared at my hunter-nin mask which had been half-hidden in the mission pack.

"...Shinobi are simply tools for the one they give allegiance over."

I waited, unsure if I should respond. He was silent, still staring at my hunter-nin mask. I decided to chance a response.

"Yes, Zabuza-san. I have given you my allegiance since the day we met. I am your tool."

He looked away to the open window. It was a dreary day, with dark gray clouds that foretold of a rainstorm later in the evening.

He continued, "...They train you until you have been trained enough to start your service as a tool. Serve them well, they will hone you further and treasure you. But as soon as you break, they cast you aside and replace you with a 'superior' one."

He sounded bitter and harsh. And drunk. He was speaking to me, but it seemed he was speaking mostly to himself... He didn't look at me, gazing out the window with a stormy expression that seemed to rival that of the sky outside.

I hesitated to break the heavy silence, watching as his expression got darker and more brooding. It pained me to see it on his face, for I knew that his face could have a lighter, much happier-looking expression on it.

"Zabuza-san."

"..."

"I know I am a tool for you, but I know you are not someone who would do that to me."

He looked back at me, eyes dull from the alcohol. He continued as if he didn't hear me.

"They want a tool. One that isn't hesitant in killing. One that will do anything and everything they order. One that doesn't give mercy. One that isn't _soft_."

"..."

"You... Haku... are soft. Merciful. And gentle."

I didn't know what to say to that, either. But I decided to lay aside my discomforts.

"... I already do everything I can, if you order me to do something." I paused before continuing. "...I will do my best to not be hesitant in killing anymore."

He gave a harsh laugh.

"Hah! As if you could. You can't change who you are."

Inwardly, I flinched, for he was correct. I could never become the cold-blooded killer he wanted.

He continued, "As if you could change enough to start considering killing as easy as breathing... As if you could take your best friend's backstabbing as something mandatory..."

His voice was becoming smaller and smaller until it became unintelligible mutters. "...As if you could get rid of that gentle heart..."

At the time, I had blinked in surprise when I heard the last statement.

A gentle heart? He had often harshly criticized my softness, my desire for non-violent means to an end...

In my confusion, I almost did not hear the last murmur.

"...That's what I love about you..."

That day had been the day I realized that Zabuza-san's cold-hearted-ness... was a mask.

{(H)}

The following week, we left Mizu no Kuni**(3)**.

It seemed that last week's drinking incident was not unrelated to the most recent wave of a kekkai-genkai genocide.

Two hours ago, Zabuza-san had woken me from my sleep, giving me sealing scrolls and telling me to pack all my things in them. By the time I had finished, it was two hours before dawn. He finished packing away his things as well, looked over my now-bare room, nodding with approval at my speed.

"Pack the sealing scrolls away into your mission pack and dress appropriately for a long-term civilian-undercover mission."

I gave a short nod before redressing as a civilian and packing away my mission gear, taking out the necessary materials, then resealing everything back into the scrolls.

When I was finished, he led me to the village gates, and checked ourselves out for a week-long training trip to a nearby island.

I said nothing, but I suspected that this could be the last time I saw what had been my home.

As the boat left the port heading east, I looked back, towards the Northeast islands that bordered Yuki no Kuni**(4)**.

...My hometown where Kaa-san was killed. Where I killed... my Tou-san.

My gaze strayed back to the main island of Mizu no Kuni where Kirigakure**(5)** was.

Suddenly, there was a hand on my shoulder. Tensing at first, I relaxed immediately as soon as I realized it was only Zabuza-san.

"Haku... unfortunately, today I am abandoning this country... But... one day I shall return and take control of this land."

He paused, looking back at the already distant main island with me.

"What I need is not consolation or encouragement... What I really need is..."

I interrupted him.

"I know."

I did know. What he bitterly spoke about last week, while inebriated.

"Please don't worry. I am Zabuza-san's tool."

I gave him a small nod of respect.

"Please keep me by your side. I will not break easily."

There was a momentary silence as he took in my words.

A large hand ruffled my hair.

"Heh.. Good kid..."

Yes.

I will become the tool he wanted.

* * *

Footnotes

**(1) **Yuki - snow

**(2)** Ta no Kuni - Land of Rice/Rice Paddies

**(3)** Mizu no Kuni - Land of Water

**(4)** Yuki no Kuni - Land of Snow

**(5)** Kirigakure - Hidden Village of Mist

* * *

**A/N** - Yayyyyy finally finished! It took so long to write... ToT

Very, very slight changes from the manga. Didn't watch the anime, so don't know if anything changed.

Next chapter will be the last chapter for this story.

Please **Read 'n Review**!


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